Merman archive
This Merman question and answer was brought to you in the March/April, 2011 issue.
What is the best way to find someone to date?
Single Mom of three would like to know.
Thank you for your time,
Jen
Dear Single Mom + 3: (by the way, just Merman, no Mr. is required!)
I guess the first question you need to answer for yourself is, "Should you be worrying about finding someone to date when you have three guppies still in the tank that are depending on you?" There are a variety of opinions on that matter, probably as many opinions as grains of sand on a beach and most likely half of them say ‘don't date' and the other half say ‘go ahead and date.' So I can get to your question, I guess we will assume that you have taken a good look at yourself, your children and your situation and determined that the time is right for you to take the plunge into the dating scene.
That being the assumption, one additional caution. Don't be too eager to introduce your men to your children. The only time you need to worry about doing that is when things are getting serious enough that you might consider remarrying. Then, obviously, you need to consider the compatibility of a new spouse with your precious children. In the deep blue sea we are first, foremost and always about the well being of the children and we tuck our own desires into a clam shell until we are 100% positive that the needs of those children are taken care of. That usually happens when they are all over 18 years of age. Here is why. The first marriage divorce rate is 41%; the second marriage divorce rate is 60%!!! Your little ones do not need to lose their dad twice in their young lives. (Apologies if you are a widow, but the same holds true.)
Now…..the best way to find someone to date…hmmmmm. You could go with an on-line match making service although I am not in favor of that method. You could go to your local tavern, and I am way not in favor of that method (too many drunken sailors). You could meet men at work, that comes with all kinds of pitfalls and is not advised. Let's see, so far I have told you how NOT to find someone to date.
OK, hmmm... Let me consult the magic conch for a pink pearl of wisdom since you seem determined. In so many things it is really difficult to start from ground zero. You never know who they are, where they came from, and what their true background is so you have a really steep learning curve and lots of places along that curve where you will most likely spin out. Let's break it down this way.
If the intent is "just for fun" then their background doesn't really matter much because it is just for fun. All you need to do then is find a good looking human male that is single and in the approximate age target, walk up to them and ask them out. For some reason, that just doesn't feel like it would be your style, because with that kind of introduction you are going to appear as though you are a party Mermaid and with 3 kids at home that probably is not the best, most safe approach for you or your family.
If you are dating for the prospect of finding a long term partner/husband that can help you raise your children and be with you forever, that will eliminate 75% of the available men! If I were in your flip flops I would first think of men that I have known in the past. Facebook is a great way to reconnect with people who you have known and at least know something about. It is a great way to contact old high school and college sweethearts who have a 41% chance of being single. It is also a way to communicate with someone at arms length. Once you have a facebook site you can look at other people and make a decision about continued contact with them. You can even find out more before committing to a first face-to-face.
Talk to your best merman and mermaid friends at work, at church, at the grocery store, etc. and just leak out that you feel you are ready to start spending some time with some lucky merman again and if they know of anyone that they think might be a good fit that you would appreciate it if they could make a soft introduction, especially if it is someone that is a pillar of the community and has been a long time friend of theirs. That way you at least have some background to use for a preliminary go/no-go decision.
Meet mermen where you feel comfortable and in control. Church is the best place for that because you have to figure you already have a lot in common if you are attending the same worship service. Also meet people where you are assured of some common interest. Places like a book club, mountain climbing club, fishing club, etc., are good places to meet people and men (J) because if they made the effort to join a club and attend the meetings you can figure that you have at least that interest in common.
Once you are on this first date, know your own intentions. If, for example, you are looking for a long term relationship, let him know. It is only fair and it will save you a lot of time and confusion if he just happens to be in the ‘just for fun' market.
Also, if the lucky land-lover makes the grade and is granted a second audience with you, feel free to get into a fairly in-depth conversation with him about his past, present and future situation. Don't fall for any lines like, "I am separated but going to get divorced!" or "I am temporarily between jobs." You want a merman that has a good solid financial base, a long-term career and a vested interest in the community – NOT a drifter!
Save yourself and him a lot of time by getting to know each other's basic hardwired values, likes and future desires early on. If the flipper doesn't fit, I don't care how lonely or bored you are, don't swim with it. It will only cause you blisters!
There you go dear Mermaid mommy, lots of cautions and a little advice on a soft, but focused and controlled entry into the complex world of DATING. Please – be careful for yourself and your guppies. They need their Mer-Mommy.
Sincerely,
The Merman
This Merman question and answer was brought to you in the May/June issue.
Dear Merman,
Whenever the weekend rolls around I find myself frantically trying to clean the house and get organized for another busy week. My husband assumes his usual position on the couch or floor flipping through the channels. What is the best way to inspire my husband to help around the house more on the weekends? Do you like a "honey-do list"?
Signed,
Tired of backbreaking weekend work.
Answer from the Deep:
Dear Back Broken Mermaid,
The answer to this question depends on whether you and your husband both work full time out of the home or either of you are "stay-at-homes." I will answer it both ways.
If you both work full time out of the home then your Merman needs to step up and help out. A honey-do list works great under a couple of "merman conditions."
First, like any list of objectives, make it achievable. Don't give the poor boy a list the length of your arm and expect him to get excited about it. Since he is a weekend couch barnacle already break him in slowly. Give him a list with no more than three achievable tasks – preferably all of which can be accomplished easily on Saturday. Also, be organized enough to give him the list on Wednesday so he can prepare himself for it and also let him know there will be a reward for good behavior.
Once he is working on his chores do not commit the cardinal sin! Do not, and I repeat do not add anything to the list, especially while he is working on one of the three achievable tasks. That, once again, makes it feel like there is no end in sight to this list and worse yet like he has been suckered into work mode. A tsunami of rebellion is sure to follow.
Give yourself an achievable list also, (make sure he knows you have one too) and be satisfied with what gets accomplished on Saturday. Even at 20,000 leagues, Sunday is a day of rest. Confine your work to Saturday and take time to appreciate your work, your family and your relationship on Sunday. There are 51 other Saturdays to follow so everything does not have to get done THIS Saturday!
As far as inspiration there is no Merman on earth that doesn't like a reward at the end of the task road. Take the initiative and guarantee him an exciting time in your private clamshell Saturday night IF he accomplishes his tasks for the day. A little reminder half way through the day doesn't hurt either. I know, I know, maybe he should be ‘the one', but a Merman loves a woman that takes the initiative!
If one of you IS a "stay-at-home" then that one needs to quit whining like a sick porpoise, get the house stuff (with the exception of two person projects) done on a more regimented Monday through Friday schedule (just like the out of home worker has done) so when you get to the weekend you can spend both days together doing something fun, relaxing and recharging. With the price of gas lately for navigation around your earth bound locations you can save money by vacationing at home IF home is comfortable, cleaned and ready to use to entertain yourselves. Repeat again next week.
"The Merman"
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