Lessons of the False EyelashBy Tricia Petrinovich
I have been wearing makeup and participating in activities involving eyelash curlers (nothing illegal, I assure you) for at least 25 years, maybe more.
Never, in said quarter of a century, have I fumbled the curler (hey, it’s football season) and ripped out the inner half of an eye’s worth of lashes. Ouch. One good thing about me is that I rarely do the same stupid thing twice, particularly when it comes to public shame and humiliation. So the good news is that, like a good predestination philosophy, I got that out of the way.
The incident (which I will call “Lashgate 2009”) occurred on a Friday morning. Saturday’s agenda was blasé, so little problem solving was required for the day’s events. Sunday was a different story. I had errands to run. In public. Gulp. I envisioned screaming children, tear-drenched faces buried in their mother’s designer jeans, hysterically crying “She doesn’t have any eye lashes!” Mother would glare at me, pat little Adam and Jessica on the backs while plucking a tissue from her Coach handbag and urging her children to look away.
The vision was scary, so I took the viewpoint that America had voted, and the results were in - I needed lashes. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a Brooke Shield’s lash miracle prescription handy. I did, however, thanks to a costume luau party in 2007, own a pair of fake eyelashes (no, I cannot remember how this was related to coconut bras and poi). I applied them because Sunday, in the scheme of upcoming days, could be a practice day. If they fall off in the checkout line at the grocery store in front of one checker, in the words of Gloria Gaynor, I will survive. However, if they fall off during a meeting or in front of 20 customers or business associates on Monday, I will pray that they grow back in a fashion reminiscent of Cousin Itt so that no future eye contact with others is required… ever.
The trial run, or shall I say Beta version, of the false eyelash application didn’t go so hot, but things have looked up in the days hence.
So without further ado, I present my:
Lessons of the False Eyelash
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Put them on the correct eyes There is a lash for the left eye, and a lash for the right. Who knew? The fact that they are tapered from shorter to longer lashes is for a reason, and it is not so that you can look like a circus clown. Putting them in a natural taper makes for a more natural look. Note: If I keep saying this, I might start believing it. Second note: Okay, well let’s just agree that putting them in a natural taper makes you look less like Bozo and more like a 3 year old who got into her mommy’s makeup, which is obviously much better.
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Attach them well For some reason, they want to start lifting from the ends. Since I don’t have a landing strip on my lids, I prefer to NOT look like my lashes are taxiing down the jetway for takeoff, unless of course they offer the rare in-flight meal.
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Carry glue just in case (reference back to Lesson 2) Flotation device or no, those suckers are coming back in for a landing with the help of a tube of surgical adhesive, and I really don’t CARE if their trays are in the upright position. Note: try not to glue eyes closed.
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Have a spare set of falsies (you know what I mean) Chalk this lesson up to a bad glue experience in a public restroom. If out of the 100 hair eyelash you just glued numbers 12-34 to your left eyelid, you will want to detach and reapply. In other words, all clear for takeoff.
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Don’t tell your 11 year old what you are doing She does not need to know that you de-haired yourself in a bizarre curling incident and that you are now glueing caterpillars to your eyelids. Why? Because she will tell everyone.
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Thank D.W. Griffith every morning In the scheme of things (in my personal opinion), false, renegade, can’t-stay-put eyelashes are better than my invention of a half-n-half eye. Since 1916 ladies have had the privilege of insta-lashes thanks to Griffith’s pioneering efforts on behalf of my vanity.
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Count the blessing of impermanence My eyelashes (I think) will grow back. I check them every morning through the high powered telescope on the back of my hand mirror. Don’t laugh, because I also saw an alien, which may have just been me magnified 400 times. I also saw a shooting star and a cheeseburger wrapper from last Thursday. My point is, this month is breast cancer awareness, and it occurred to me that many women lose eyelashes, eyebrows, heads of hair and much more, when fighting a terrible disease like breast cancer. I am pretty sure my missing 50 eyelashes rate fairly small in the scheme of things. Even if they don’t grow back, Gaynor and I will survive.
In conclusion, I give props to my friend Linda from Olympia, who has worn false eyelashes every day for years. In fact, she might have been born with them. Applying them makes the morning a little more cumbersome, but might give me that extra pop, who knows? And I can only hope and pray that in the near future I am saddled with a punishment by the hair growth gods of - what else? 50 lashes!
 Tricia Petrinovich is Managing Partner of Caffé Pazzesco (which means “crazy about coffee”) and owner of the Curves franchise in Liberty Lake. She has a B.A. in Theology from Bethany Bible College and recently completed her Master of Business Administration. Tricia has been married to her husband, Steve, for 20 years and has an 13 year daughter named Piper. When not fulfilling her passion for women’s fitness and caffeinating the workplaces of the world, she enjoys reading, writing and singing. Her most notable writing achievements have been full-length dramatic productions for her church, although she someday hopes to do something really meaningful, like an advertising slogan for whitening toothpaste.
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